I read this entire thread, because I am going through all these same emotions!
Though still in and pretty active, I just go through the motions and go into my own dream world while at the meetings. I tell my wife that I want to feel accountable to a Creator, so that I have some restraints.
With that said, We have planned several camping trips, going to see Stone Temple Pilots in Concert, going to indulge in mass quantities of Alcohol, and perhaps some mind altering herbs! Live Life and Enjoy whatever time is left!
My wife reminded me that when "we die, we have paid for our sins."